We are Our Own Worst Enemies

As moms, we are often our own worst critics. Just today, I received a text message from my mother who was babysitting my son—it was a picture of him sitting in her house, and it said “matching colors!”

Now listen, I am someone who tends to just throw whatever clean clothes are nearest on my toddler, mismatched or not, but I actually remembering making an effort that morning to put him in a matching top and pants...

Instinctively, I assumed she was making a comment about how I had finally dressed him right for once, and immediately felt self-conscious. It wasn’t until I went back to the text hours later that I realized she wasn’t commenting on his outfit at all. She was trying to show me a learning activity he was doing where he was matching shapes of a certain color together.

How quickly I had jumped to criticism, assuming that I had done something “wrong” rather than just taking the message at face value. And the truth is, I see this pattern not just in myself, but in so many moms I talk to. We are wired to analyze, to anticipate judgment, to assume we are falling short—even when no one is actually criticizing us.

Why do we do this?

A big part of it is the immense pressure we feel to “get it right” all the time. Motherhood comes with an endless stream of decisions—what to feed our kids, how to discipline, what kind of routine to follow, whether to go back to work, how to balance it all. And because we love our children so deeply, we want to make the best choices for them. But in the process, we can become so hyper-aware of our own perceived shortcomings that we start seeing judgment where there is none.

how do we break this cycle of self-criticism?

1. Pause Before Reacting

When you feel that knee-jerk reaction of self-doubt or guilt, take a deep breath before assuming the worst. Ask yourself, Is there another way to interpret this? More often than not, the answer is yes.

2. Speak to Yourself Like a Friend

Would you ever comment to a friend, “Wow, you finally dressed your kid correctly for once”? Of course not. You’d remind her she’s a great mom and that one outfit doesn’t define her parenting. Try extending that same grace to yourself.

3. Notice the Good

For every time you catch yourself thinking you’ve done something “wrong,” challenge yourself to acknowledge something you’ve done right. Maybe you packed a great snack, gave a great hug, or made your child laugh today. Those moments matter just as much, if not more, than the little things we stress over.

Motherhood is hard enough without the added pressure of self-judgment. Let’s work on being kinder to ourselves, giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt, and remembering that we’re doing better than we think. And if all else fails, at least we know our kids still look cute in mismatched outfits!