When Birth Doesn’t Go As Planned

The moment you find out you are expecting, your mind floods with visions of what birth will be like. Maybe you imagined a calm, candle-lit room, soothing music playing softly in the background as you bring your baby into the world. You planned for a beautiful moment—a memory to cherish forever. But for so many moms, including myself, birth can be the total opposite of those expectations.

I want to share something personal with you today, something that I’ve learned both in my professional role and through my own experience: birth rarely goes as planned. 

The High Expectations We Place on Birth

From the moment you see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test, you start crafting the story of what the “perfect” birth should be. You dream of smooth deliveries, bonding immediately with your newborn, and being able to walk away with nothing but glowing memories. But birth is unpredictable, and those expectations, while understandable, often set us up for disappointment when things go differently.

In my case, I never imagined the path my birth would take. After a complicated delivery, followed by an unexpected 2-month NICU stay, I felt shattered. Birth trauma was not something I had prepared for. I always thought I was healthy, normal, “that stuff doesn’t happen to me”. But it did.  The feeling of losing control, of not being able to protect my baby the way I had imagined, was overwhelming. I had entered motherhood with expectations, and when reality didn’t match up, the emotional toll was heavier than I ever expected.

When Reality Strikes

For many moms, birth may look like a scheduled induction that turns into an emergency C-section, or a labor that lasts much longer than expected. It could be wanting to do it natural at home, and all of a sudden finding yourself in the bright lights of the hospital. It could go EXACTLY as planned, and still feel like you didn’t have control over how it happened. And when these moments hit, it’s easy to feel like you’re spiraling into guilt, fear, or even failure.

I know because I’ve been there. We carry such a heavy emotional load when things don’t go as planned—especially as new moms trying to navigate a postpartum experience that is already filled with uncertainty. The weight of disappointment can be crushing, and that’s when we need to remind ourselves: it’s okay to feel grief over an experience that didn’t unfold as expected.

Embracing the Unexpected

As a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner specializing in postpartum mental health, I see this all the time—moms who feel like they were robbed of the “perfect” birth. But the truth is, there is no perfect birth. Every birth is unique and unexpected, and each mother’s story is valid, no matter how it plays out. You’re not alone in feeling sadness or grief when things take an unexpected turn.

It’s important to give yourself permission to grieve the birth experience you thought you would have. Birth trauma is real, and it’s okay to acknowledge those feelings. But just as important is recognizing that your experience doesn’t define you as a mother. You didn’t fail. In fact, navigating through the unexpected takes immense strength.

How to Heal and Move Forward

So, how do you move forward when your birth doesn’t go as planned?

First, acknowledge your emotions. It’s okay to feel disappointed, sad, angry, or even relieved if your birth experience left you feeling that way. These emotions don’t make you a bad mother—they make you human.

Next, surround yourself with a support system. Whether it’s family, friends, or a community like MyTribe, you don’t have to carry this burden alone. Sharing your story with others who understand can help you process and heal. There’s something so powerful about speaking your truth and hearing someone say, “I’ve been there too.”

It’s also crucial to check in on your mental health. Postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety can be heightened after a difficult birth, especially when expectations are shattered. Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional support if you’re struggling—there’s no shame in getting help. In fact, it’s one of the most courageous things you can do for yourself and your family.

Lastly, give yourself grace. Motherhood is not about having it all figured out; it’s about learning and growing through each challenge. The birth of your baby, regardless of how it happened, was still the birth of something beautiful: the start of your journey as a mother.

The Takeaway

Birth is one of the most unpredictable experiences we go through, and when things don’t go as planned, it can feel like the rug has been pulled out from under us. But the unexpected doesn’t make you any less of a mother. It makes you resilient, strong, and capable.

At MyTribe, we understand the emotional toll that unexpected birth experiences can have on new moms. You’re not alone in feeling the weight of your experience, and it’s okay to ask for support. Whether it’s through connecting with other moms who understand or seeking professional guidance, there is a community here for you.

Remember, you are enough, and your story—no matter how it unfolded—is valid.

Let’s continue this journey together. You don’t have to do it alone.

Be gentle with yourself mama, you’re doing amazing.

With love,

Kim